Its now June 2009.
The last 12 months have flown past in a blur. A flurry of trying to stay as busy as possible, with emotions barely concealed under the surface. I think we 3 have coped remarkably well to say a quarter of our family is missing. The space always there, the pause for the other person to add their idea's, comments, thoughts and input to any conversation or activity we are involved with. Time has moved on but the loss of Katie is something we will never recover from. It is just as raw and intense as it was 12 months ago - its just more concealed. We are broken as a family and the missing part can never be replaced.
It has been emotional to put down in words some of the feelings and memories I have of the last 12 months but at the same time so very important for me. Time passes so quickly that some times you have to pause and take a breath, to sit and digest just what has happened and what we have been through. Understanding however is very hard. I was ready for the feelings of emptiness and the desire to be alone with Wayne and Chris for her birthday and Christmas. However I was totally unprepared for the depths of grief, anger, despair and total desolation experienced on New Years Day. There was no desire to move forward into a new year without my precious Kate. I felt like I was leaving her behind and mentally fought a battle to say in the same year she had died - as though staying in 2008 meant she was still close. I refused to hear the platitudes of "She's always with you" and "But she will always be in your heart". I wanted her with us - her family- so I could wrap my arms around her and hug her, telling her to her face how much we loved her, not missing and as a memory. She was our child, we had raised her to be a nice, good human being. A valued part of society who people would like, respect and enjoy the company of. Not a memory, a shade of a times gone by who people recalled by small events, sights and sounds. I could do nothing but cry and feel useless. The desire to plunge my arms down into the deep dark Earth and drag her back to hold just one more time was both disturbing and so strong as to be a real concern for a short while. The thoughts when the shock and revulsion of the realisation hit me that every time it rains my beloved childs body was down there in a hole, getting wet and decomposing was mind blowing. Nature had been doing this for millions of years but the realisation of what was happening down there had never before mattered. Relatives had been cremated within my living memory so it had just never occured to me that this would suddenly matter so much. Counselling was needed and does help I find, along with the couple of good friends who understand comments and phrases that others may find shocking. The memories of sitting waiting one night in June for a healthy heart to stop beating will fade and hopefully be replaced by 15 years of love and laughter.
Sometimes it feels like we never had a daughter. Remembering her voice and the fun and laughter she induced into so many situations seems like a different life, a million years ago and at the same time only yesterday. Chris has thrown himself into the diploma and apprenticeship he is doing in cannine care, the scurrys he enjoys and the dog training he adores, just as his sister did. He left his 'A' levels and school behind. Seeing the same faces, people, places he had shared with his sister maybe proved too much and a new direction was needed. Wayne finds peace in the solitude of tending his allotment and the fields. Spending hours with Mother Nature, quietly watching the plants flourish and grow. I find rest in training Kates dog "Faith", spending time with her and her new sister "Grace". Peace is all we can ask for, an acceptance of what has been and what will be.
The horses have been rehomed. They were too constant a reminder of what had been lost and needed more than what we could offer - the best thing for them was a new start and they are happy in their new homes. I still have to be careful though - if I turn too quickly I may still catch sight of Katie coming out of Whispers stable swinging his feed bucket. It is too easy to imagine Katie cantering down the lane on him on a warm summers evening when a sudden breeze swings past you and the sound of distant whinny echoes around the fields. Small things which transport you mentally to a different time and the tears will fall.
We will never see her develop into the independent, intellegent, amazingly articulate person she was destined to become. I will never look into her eyes and see the love as she gazes at her own children and their achievements, never hear her complain that her jeans have shrunk in the wash or a thousand other inconspicious mundane things that we take so much for granted. The eyes leak so often still and we are still held up by the loving care of good friends who surround us, comfortable in the knowlege that together we can get through this, they will never let go and cope so admirably with the mood swings, the tears, laughs, the highs and the lows which can happen at a moments notice. How do we repay their love -I wouldn't know where to start. We are a changed family and it is others - outsiders who cannot cope with the grief, stumbling through comments, and trying to avoid eye contact and any mention of Kate, Rushing off as their emotions start when they see us. Slowly the ground under us is stablizing and becoming safer for us - life goes on regardless.
The sad thing is that millions of pounds are spent advertising the warnings of so many other cancers, breast, prostate, bowel and yet Melanoma which affects one in fifty never gets a mention. When it does it is done with the taste of the victim is responsible for their own demise by sun bathing and being careless outdoors, by the use of sunbeds; or being misdiagnosed by badly trained medical staff. Only a few days ago was a friend told when waiting for her own results "No-one dies of skin cancer these days" by a nurse. Terribly wrong when the very next day her results returned the verdict of "Squamous Cell Carcinoma". The incidence rate of Melanoma itself is doubling every ten years, the support networks and research are needed so very desperately. People still expect moles to be huge, black, unsightly things when in reality they can be nothing like this at all. Small, not always black or brown, they can be red or even colourless, sometimes not even a mole but a skin tag or lump; and sometimes not even on the skin but the eye or internal. Time is always of the essence - if anything changes please, please hasten to your doctor, get a second opinion if you are not happy. Too many people are dying of this cancer, hence the need for money for research and so much awareness raising. Katies Midnight Walk is only a drop in the ocean - and if any good can come out of the death of our child - Please God let it be awareness and a cure. This is one person, there are so many others, Kerry (now resting in peace), Sean, Lynn, Alison (now resting in peace), Jackie - the list is endless and so is the disease until the cure is found.
Dedicated to Katharine Alison Taylor who was special.
Not the first....and not the last.
