So, Already 4 months have passed. Sixteen weeks. I could go on into days, hours, minutes but what good will it do. Too late now to counsel or pray - in fact thats not right at all - its never too late to pray and the counselling goes on.
I made the mistake this morning of leaving the radio on in the car as I had dropped Chris off at school. I came back out of Wirksworth across the tops, up Oakerthorpe Road looking down over Wirksworth. I pulled over on the grass verge to savour the beautiful autumnal quilt of Wirksworth, nestling in the surrounding hills, lit by liquid gold poured generously from the early morning sun behind me. With sheep quietly grazing the field at the other side of the stone wall, a bird hovered overhead as I half listened to Terry Wogan introducing the next song "Hey There Delila"..... one of Katies favorites. The tears rolled fast and unchecked, the feelings of unfairness surged through me.
Why Katie?
Why not any of the other teenagers I had just passed sauntering into school, why? I snapped the radio off and drew deep breaths of the fresh air, cursing the blue sky, the soft white clouds, the lone hovering hawk and everything else God may have created. I hated God, hated the sun, hated breathing, and everything else. The feeling and the tears subsided and silence followed. Another "moment" over, and time time to carry on as if all was well.
These "moments" happen, not frequently - usually you can swollow, take a deep breath and carry on, but sometimes it just overflows. You hope people are nowhere near you, it embarrasses them - raw emotion. A bereaved parent often feels they have lost part of themselves, they change almost imperceptivly but the change is still there. They feel isolated, even when surrounded by family or friends - nothing feels "right". Life is disjointed and out of synch. I dont know when it will get better. And, please, PLEASE dont say (like someone did recently to another bereaved parent we know) "Are you better now?".
The Quiz night organised for September had been a resounding success, our thanks to Susan, Pauline & Carys who had organised it. Monday 13th October saw a meeting with the local council official to negotiate a site for the memorial bench, Wednesday 15th saw the base go down. Never again will I laugh at how long the council take to do a job!
