November already - this year has flown past. Ups, downs, laughter, tears, we've gone through it all.
The thing that struck me the other day was the fact that although you lose a child (which I didn't - I know exactly where Kate is!) the instinct to parent, to love and nurture doesn't diminish to the amount of children you have. It stays there like a birth mark; no matter how hard you may try to disguise or hide it - it insists on laying itself bare for all to see. Maybe its just me that feels like this, the urge to say to a 17 yr old "wrap up warm - its cold" as if he is incapable of feeling for himself that its at freezing point - or that he may actually want to leave the house with little more than 3 layers of clothing on - and God forbid I get out the hankie and rub it at the dirt on his face. (No - I didnt!) but the idea did strike me - Is this it then? I am aware of the fact we now have one child but is the next time I lay open my emotions to a child going to be my grandchildren? Katies death has brought about changes in the structure of our family which I never envisaged. She was at the age of being capable of getting on the bus and going off with her friends for the day, slowly stretching her wings and finding her own way; albeit with mum & dad in the background to guide and look back for re-assurance from but not totally reliant upon. That was as it should be. Chris also has progressed to being his own person totally - no longer needing to confide in us but more reliant in his own entity. Talking things through yes, but coming to his own conclusions as to what courses to follow and which universities to see. The empty nest syndrome has struck. Within 12 months we have gone to sitting on our own at nights listening to the radio and saying we are prematurely old. Time to change and move on we think; and yet dreading to go through the inevitabe "firsts" - the first christmas and the first birthday 3 days after it. Katies 16th. Do we celebrate it? Buy balloons for her grave and light candles for the wind to blow out?. Or do we sit quietly at home, remembering the 15 birthdays we got to spend with her. Did we do enough, could we have celebrated her life more? Do we do enough for Chris? What if something happens to him? Apparently these are normal emotions and thoughts to go through when grieving I'm told. Our grieving started a year ago,when we realised the cancer was in her lymph glands; although not wanting to consciously acknowledge it, subconsciously we knew she was on borrowed time - and yet hating to find out we were right when the medics diagnosed the hotspots all over her body - how could this be happening to us? A normal family who loved their children and hadn't done anything wrong. Since then of course we have met many others in our circumstances; other parents who loved their children and yet cant save them when serious illness comes calling, and it doesn't matter if you have one child or six - the pain is just as intense. The anger just as searingly hot, the tears still fall just the same.
The Wine and wisdom night has come and gone, and the memorial bench they raised the funds for is in place at the side of Katies grave, under a tree for shade in summer. Its quite the perfect place to sit and reflect, chat with a friend or just listen to the birds and the horses in the field behind you. Had it been someone elses - I'm sure Katie would have sat there frequently chattering away to Carys or Becky.
Friends, Katies friends are a souce of upset to me. Lovely people who have done nothing wrong, but whom Iind it hard to deal with. The association between them and Katie is a reminder of what she could be doing now which for the present time I cant deal with. What would she be doing this weekend, where would she be and who with. I dreaded the annual Halloween party' Last year she had her new dress for it the bodice one with the lace-up back and silk skirt - the one she is wearing for the home picture. The one she is buried in. And yet, with each other and a room full of close friends who can see the emotions appearing and point things in the right direction. It was a superb night and we really enjoyed it. Roll on the bonfire and fireworks night this weekend, a single red rose will be laid somewhere quiet and Kate will be there in spirit. Maybe there is a future and a new life for us to face with more surprizes to come in time ahead.
So for the time being, wrap up warm, pull on the boots, jump in the puddles, scuff up the leaves and go for a walk on a winters day....
